Parental Pride and Lament

Recently my relationship with NOLS made a dramatic change. Since 1990 I have been an employee of the school as well as a graduate. On June 20 I joined an elite group. I became a NOLS parent.

As a NOLS grad and employee I have long been convinced of the incredible educational value of a NOLS course. I have had the experience personally. In my role as the marketing director I have had the good fortune to meet many of our grads and hear stories of how NOLS changed their lives and how everyday they use the skills they developed in the Wind River Mountains or the Talkeetna Range or on Prince William Sound. Once you’ve heard the stories how could you not want that for your kids?

In February I broached the subject of a NOLS course with Clay, at age 17, our oldest child. Clay has grown up around NOLS and he has a good deal of outdoor experience for his age. He wasn’t that thrilled about the idea. I couldn’t get him to tell me why. So I had to send Peg, wife and mother, into the dark abyss that is a 17 year old’s heart and mind.

Peg reported back. “He’s afraid. Can he do it? He’s afraid he’ll disappoint you. He doesn’t want to fail. It costs too much.”

Clay is coming off a tough year. He got hammered in math and the rest of his grades are all over the board. My parental diagnosis? Clay is an under-achiever. A bright kid (according to the standardized test scores), but he doesn’t put in the work consistently. He lacks confidence and he gives up too easily. Sometimes he won’t try because he is afraid he will fail.

Clay gets hung up on what he is having trouble with and doesn’t recognize how much is going right. Unfortunately, as a parent I reinforce this. It is easy to point out the shortfalls and not recognize the accomplishments. And there are many.

First and foremost, Clay is a really nice guy. Friendly, compassionate and polite. He is great with kids. Clay is on the golf team at school. He likes it and even earned his letter this spring. Clay is a Life Scout and is pretty close to earning his Eagle badge. Clay is very active at our church. He is a lay reader, youth delegate to the vestry, takes communion to the elderly in the nursing home and helps with Sunday School. Clay is a talented potter (although like a true artist he got a C in the class, while turning out incredible art). Clay is a decent fly fisherman and is an outstanding wingshot. He’s great with our hunting dogs. He has a ton going for him, but he lacks stick-to-itiveness and confidence.

Hence, the Wind River Wilderness course. After a few conversations Clay took the initiative and filled out the application for his course. When his enrollment packet came back he wasn’t very demonstrative one way or the other. After a few gentle (okay, not so gentle) reminders he dove into the packet and asked Peg about making a appointment for his physical and with her help got the paperwork filled out.

As NOLS admission and marketing director I tried to stay out of the process as much as possible. I wanted the experience to be Clay’s and I knew if I took too much leadership in the process his response would be negative. I was the courier, shuttling paper and checks from the house to the office.

I wanted to see who the other students were, who the instructors were, what the route would be. I wanted to meet the instructors and tell them all about Clay. I wanted to tell them my goals for the course. But then it wouldn’t be Clay’s NOLS course. I resisted the temptation to get too involved.

As the course start got closer I tried to have a few conversations with Clay about it. He rarely reveals much of himself to me, so these conversations were pretty short.

Dad: Are you looking forward to your course?
Clay: Yeah.
Dad: What do you think it will be like?
Clay: I dunno. Probably like the 50 miler we did with scouts.
Dad: Are you apprehensive about anything?
Clay: Yeah, a bit.
Dad: What are you apprehensive about?
Clay: I dunno. Meeting new people, I guess.
Dad: Well, everyone will be meeting new people. You’ll all be in the same boat.

Blah. Blah. Blah. Clay really wasn’t going to let me in and I didn’t have much to add. Frustrating? For both of us.

Getting the gear together was fun. Peg and I got Clay boots for his birthday. We elected to primarily use NOLS rental gear and had a number of the items needed from previous outdoor excursions. We had some good conversations revolving around pieces of gear and how he might organize his stuff to keep things straight.

And then before we knew it June 19 was upon us. Unlike his coursemates Clay didn’t have to worry about traveling from some place across the country. Instead he had the embarrassing pleasure of having his dad walk into NOLS Noble Hotel dormitory with him.

What do you say to your son when you drop him off for a 30 day backcountry expedition? Is it okay to hug him even though several of his new coursemates that he hasn’t even met yet are milling around waiting to say, “Hi”?

I decided “yes” to the hug, a quick one. And went with, “ Listen to your instructors. Stay safe. Have fun. I love you.” Sniff. Clay headed off to meet folks he hoped would become his friends and I headed out to the car.

Peg met me at the car when I pulled in. “How did it go?” “Did he seem happy?” “Do you think he’ll have fun?”

A bit more than a week has passed since Clay’s NOLS course began. We really miss that kid. When we get up in the morning we look out the window and do a quick weather check, not that our weather in town is at all reflective of what might be happening high in the Wind River Range.

Getting Clay’s two brothers off to their appointed rounds is a bit more complex without his helping hand and driver’s license. Hmmm…maybe he is more helpful than I give him credit for.

A frequent call in the NOLS admission office this time of the year involves a parent calling to ask if we have heard anything from their son or daughter’s course. I can’t count the number of times I have answered, “We operate on the ‘No news is good news’ philosophy. We only hear from a course if there is a problem.” The parent generally sighs and laments that they really wish they knew how Suzy or Johnny was doing.

In the last week hearing admission officers, Lou, Katie and Mark saying, “No news is good news”, has been particularly poignant for me. Just like the other NOLS parents I want to know how it’s going. Is Clay happy? Is he having fun? Is he learning? I totally buy into the idea that a NOLS course is a wilderness experience and the students need to experience it without connection to the outside world, but…

Dinner at the Palmer house starts with grace and Clay’s brothers always add a prayer for Clay and his coursemates—be safe, have fun… After the initial feeding frenzy (I don’t know how Peg takes it being the only female in the house) conversation turns to the dinner options on NOLS courses. Do you think they made calzones tonight? Macs and Cheese? Darn Tootin’ Chili? Pizza? Did they finish the meal off with a Brown Cow? Clay’s 14-year-old brother, Cole, is a connoisseur of the Brown Cow—hot water, powdered milk, brown sugar, cinnamon and a dash of vanilla. Yummy!

What do you suppose Clay did today? A travel day? Maybe they climbed or fished? It was cool and cloudy today. Suppose it rained up in the mountains? Coulda snowed. Clay and his NOLS course have us guessing. The possibilities are endless.

At the end of the day what do I want for Clay? Like every parent I want it all for my child. But most of all I want Clay to be happy.

I can’t do that for him. Peg can’t do that for him. Neither can NOLS. All we can do is provide tools. It is up to Clay to use them. I hope that Clay comes home from his NOLS course with a full toolbox. Confident. Filled with adventure. Never bored. Always learning. Happy with himself.

I can’t wait to see him. I could meet him when the bus pulls in down at NOLS Rocky Mountain. Or I could wait until he comes up to NOLS Headquarters for his alumni talk. In the evening he and his coursemates will walk right by our house on their way to City Park for their end of course barbecue. Should we sit out on the front porch and wave? A little too Deliverance? Or I could just wait until he calls and wants a ride home. Or…

Oh, well. I guess I’ll figure it out. I still have 20 days to think about it!

Bruce Palmer NOLS marketing director